One thing I have found about being an adult is that making friends has become much harder. It may be because I invite people over for a 5pm get together with the expectation that they too have an 8pm bedtime and will therefore plan to leave by 7pm to allow me to get everything cleaned up and in bed without having to rush. I mean, I guess I can see how that could impact someone’s future desire to get together with me. But really, I am talking about before I even get to the “ask them over to hang out” stage. It is hard to get to know other adults and spend enough time with them so that when you do ask them to do something you don’t look like a creeper.
It is absolutely NOT like when you were a kid. Gone are the days of meeting someone brand new, having a 2 minute awkward conversation until you determine that you have something incredibly important in common and running off to have fun. The incredibly important commonalities can run quite the gamut, too. It is possible that your bond is forged over the similar shirts you are wearing, or maybe you both have the same toy or even better is when you both share the same favorite food. Long lasting friendships that span years have absolutely started in the second grade because you both have a dog named Sam.
The other challenge with adult friendships is not only meeting someone that you are interested in pursuing a friendship with and finding the time to talk to them to see if you have enough in common that you should spend more time together, but after you get through all that mess, doing the new friendship dance. You know the one that I mean. You invite them to get together for coffee. It’s a good first friend outing with the chance to talk but not overly committed for either of you. There is the looming pull of other things that need to be done you can rely on if things go south and you need to go with the old, “I’m so busy today but this has been great and we’ll have to do it again soon.” Of course you hope that they never ask because you know you aren’t going to! But then sometimes you DO want to do something again. Then what? Do you ask for another outing or do you throw the ball in their court? They mentioned they were really busy, does that mean you should be patient and wait for them to invite you or were they just being polite and have no intention of drinking coffee in your presence ever again?
The friendship dance is not a thing when you are in elementary school. You ask your new potential friend (who is also wearing a Wonder Woman t-shirt which is why you love them) if they want to play tag. If they join, cool. If they don’t, cool. If you get sick of the game and want to swing, you’ll join them there and continue on with your conversation. If you don’t, there is always the next recess. No dance.
The other thing that childhood friendships of my generation had that my adult friendships do not, is a way to mark my friends as mine. That’s not to say I’m not willing to share them with others, just that I now have the confidence that they will continue to be my friend. This fantastic tool of friendship flagging is none other than the Friendship Pin! These incredible inventions of popularity were lovingly crafted at home with some basic plastic beads and a safety pin, to be taken into school the next day and shared with those 15 that were closest to you in hopes that they too would give some back to you. These pins would be lovingly pinned onto your shoelace at the toe of your shoe. Those plastic beads made a nice clickity sound against each other as you walked around secure in your knowledge that you had friends. The bonus was that if you didn’t have enough friends, you could make some for yourself and pin them on. Not only were you guaranteed to give yourself the best beads but the look of your popularity was the same to the general public. It was a win-win.
If the friendship beads on a pin were a little too mundane for you, in the 80’s, there were other options. One of my favorites was the friendship barrette. This barrette was made by my little hands by braiding and weaving thin ribbon in complimentary colors around a barrette. The ribbons would then hang down long and have some of the same beads from the friendship pins. As a little girl with short hair, I could not only hold my bangs back but have the feeling of what long hair would be like swinging against my shoulder. No greater sign of friendship was possible, in my opinion.
If you too, find yourself as an adult going through the struggles that are developing friendships, maybe you just need to take it a little old school. I mean what could go wrong with presenting your new possible friend with a homemade, lovingly crafted friendship barrette to get things started?